Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
