She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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