i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
