im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
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Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
PANTIES FOUND
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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