I got chris browned last night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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