I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
