I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
