I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
