4 words: hood of his car
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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