Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
