hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
