You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
