I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
