i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
