The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
