Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
