I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
