Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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