The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
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You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
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I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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