the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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