if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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