I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
