Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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