We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
