This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize