Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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