I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
