Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
