In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
