saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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