Can i not drive my cunt home
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
