It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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