I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
