do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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