Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
