Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So many bounce houses so little time
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
