:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
