you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
