dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
