No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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