did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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