I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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