You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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