I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
