she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
