What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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