what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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