I'm so fucking centered right now
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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