I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
