just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
