Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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