Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
