she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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