Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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