we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
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I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
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Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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